Just a Rant

I've never realized how pointless anything is. Like, where am I going with my life? Nowhere that I know of. Whenever people ask what I want to do, I honestly don't know what to say, I'm not good at anything. I'm completely ineffectual on this planet. Have I ever changed anybody's life? Do I mean anything to anyone? As melodramatic as it sounds I think that it would just be better if I wasn't even here. Nobody ever thinks about me do they? I don't know. Nobody seems to give half a thought towards stupid little Amanda, how I feel about anything. That's probably a good thing though. Its not like I really care about anyone's stupid fucking problems. Maybe thats the problem with me. Although I can't force myself to care, can I? I'm done caring anyway. Every time I put all of my emotions on the line for someone, they just betray me in the end. I seem to be doomed to wander about this earth alone forever. Whats the point? I don't even know if there is one anymore.
I have so much pain inside.
I just want to make it all stop.

Bitches and Whores

I hate it when I don't see someone for a long time, and they turn out to be your typical whore. Its like "what the fuck? you where totally awesome like a couple years ago", and then I'm like..well did something go wrong, should I be like that too? Do they look at me and go "ugh what a slob, why doesn't she take care of herself?" I don't know. I feel like I should act like I'm better than everyone else. But I'm not..of course not. Its not like I'm uncomfortable not showing my true self, but I have a limit on the extremeness of the mask that I display. I just feel like somehow along the line I went a different direction that I'm supposed to. I mean, I'm 18 years old and I've never even had my first kiss (let alone an actual relationship). Its not like I couldn't get a boy(girl?)friend if I really wanted to, but that's the thing. I don't want to. I feel like I should be living up to some social standard that everyone seems to live by, but that's not what I really want. But what do I want? To be normal? That would be nice. Too bad I don't know where to start.

P.S. If somehow you're reading this right now, I only use this blog to bitch and moan. I don't really expect people to read this and be interested. Trust me, I'm not this whiny in person.

You know, I've been thinking. If someone asked me what superpower I would want I'd probably say flying or telekinesis or something of that nature, but I'd honestly like invisibility alot more. I hate when people notice me even though I crave attention all the time. lol paradox. Anyway, I'd like to just life my life alone forever. Which kinda sounds completely ridiculous, but still, its not like I deserve anyone. It's better this way, I guess and I'll just have to learn to live with it.
Why am I so fucked up?

kjdfkjshfkszf

YOU FUCKING CUNT I HATE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH
I THOUGHT YOU FUCKING SAID YOU WOULD CARE ABOUT ME FOREVER
WELL LOOKS LIKE YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME
YOU FUCKING WHORE
I CANT EVEN BELIEVE I LOVED YOU
YOU DON'T CARE THAT I'M GONE
YOU NEVER CARED
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I bet you didn't even notice that every fucking day I want to die
all. because. of. you
You ruined my entire life
This summer was shit because of your attention whorishness
I never want to see your stupid fucking face ever again
I bought all your lies
You said you cared, you said you didn't know what you'd do without me
All of it didn't matter
I hope you see this I really do
I want you to suffer
I want you to feel how I feel
and I'll laugh because you fucking deserve it
I hope I never see you or talk to you again
I would not hesitate to punch you in the face
UGH
I hope you do the same to her that you did to me
I'm done caring
I'm done being sad
I'm done giving a shit about you because you never gave a shit about me
I don't know what the fuck I did to you
but you decided that I wasn't worth the time anymore
good. I'm glad. When I get over you I'll finally be happy
because you are the one who made me feel like shit every fucking day
I don't deserve it
You don't deserve me.
FUCK YOU
end.