have you ever seen those couples where the chick is a total controlling bitch and the guy is totally whipped? I hate that. Especially in public. It bothers me somehow.
I dunno.
Just a random thought.

Still feeling kinda down. I should call that counseling place, but I'm too scared.
:(

I've never really thought about it before, but I realized that a surprising number of people have had some sort of romantic interest in me. Now, I'm not trying to sound like a cocky bitch here, since that number is like...5 I don't know I don't really count. But I mean my expectations would be around zero. I don't really see what those people see in me. I bet they're desperate.
I don't know, just a random thought that's been stuck in my head. Probably because at the Halloween party I went to I was the only single female there, and I got hit on an uncomfortable amount. It was awkward.
Anyway I'm feeling pretty much generally melancholy lately. blah.

Also on an unrelated note: I honestly don't understand the appeal of raves. Its like, do they realize they look completely fucking ridiculous with all that rainbow shit and those face mask things and baby pacifiers, really?....seriously?
I don't get it.
Maybe its just me haha

Just a Rant

I've never realized how pointless anything is. Like, where am I going with my life? Nowhere that I know of. Whenever people ask what I want to do, I honestly don't know what to say, I'm not good at anything. I'm completely ineffectual on this planet. Have I ever changed anybody's life? Do I mean anything to anyone? As melodramatic as it sounds I think that it would just be better if I wasn't even here. Nobody ever thinks about me do they? I don't know. Nobody seems to give half a thought towards stupid little Amanda, how I feel about anything. That's probably a good thing though. Its not like I really care about anyone's stupid fucking problems. Maybe thats the problem with me. Although I can't force myself to care, can I? I'm done caring anyway. Every time I put all of my emotions on the line for someone, they just betray me in the end. I seem to be doomed to wander about this earth alone forever. Whats the point? I don't even know if there is one anymore.
I have so much pain inside.
I just want to make it all stop.

Bitches and Whores

I hate it when I don't see someone for a long time, and they turn out to be your typical whore. Its like "what the fuck? you where totally awesome like a couple years ago", and then I'm like..well did something go wrong, should I be like that too? Do they look at me and go "ugh what a slob, why doesn't she take care of herself?" I don't know. I feel like I should act like I'm better than everyone else. But I'm not..of course not. Its not like I'm uncomfortable not showing my true self, but I have a limit on the extremeness of the mask that I display. I just feel like somehow along the line I went a different direction that I'm supposed to. I mean, I'm 18 years old and I've never even had my first kiss (let alone an actual relationship). Its not like I couldn't get a boy(girl?)friend if I really wanted to, but that's the thing. I don't want to. I feel like I should be living up to some social standard that everyone seems to live by, but that's not what I really want. But what do I want? To be normal? That would be nice. Too bad I don't know where to start.

P.S. If somehow you're reading this right now, I only use this blog to bitch and moan. I don't really expect people to read this and be interested. Trust me, I'm not this whiny in person.

You know, I've been thinking. If someone asked me what superpower I would want I'd probably say flying or telekinesis or something of that nature, but I'd honestly like invisibility alot more. I hate when people notice me even though I crave attention all the time. lol paradox. Anyway, I'd like to just life my life alone forever. Which kinda sounds completely ridiculous, but still, its not like I deserve anyone. It's better this way, I guess and I'll just have to learn to live with it.
Why am I so fucked up?

kjdfkjshfkszf

YOU FUCKING CUNT I HATE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH
I THOUGHT YOU FUCKING SAID YOU WOULD CARE ABOUT ME FOREVER
WELL LOOKS LIKE YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME
YOU FUCKING WHORE
I CANT EVEN BELIEVE I LOVED YOU
YOU DON'T CARE THAT I'M GONE
YOU NEVER CARED
ugheuidskjfndlkkjnfdsjkn
I bet you didn't even notice that every fucking day I want to die
all. because. of. you
You ruined my entire life
This summer was shit because of your attention whorishness
I never want to see your stupid fucking face ever again
I bought all your lies
You said you cared, you said you didn't know what you'd do without me
All of it didn't matter
I hope you see this I really do
I want you to suffer
I want you to feel how I feel
and I'll laugh because you fucking deserve it
I hope I never see you or talk to you again
I would not hesitate to punch you in the face
UGH
I hope you do the same to her that you did to me
I'm done caring
I'm done being sad
I'm done giving a shit about you because you never gave a shit about me
I don't know what the fuck I did to you
but you decided that I wasn't worth the time anymore
good. I'm glad. When I get over you I'll finally be happy
because you are the one who made me feel like shit every fucking day
I don't deserve it
You don't deserve me.
FUCK YOU
end.

Random poem

I lie in bed
Staring solemnly at the stars
Sweet melodies bring me to you
But its not enough
Not for you
I am floating in nothingness
Blackness swirling around me
I feel nothing
I am nothing
An empty shell without a heart
I want it like this
Falling slowly
I gaze longingly to you
You fail to notice
Tears flow down my face
Burning my flesh like acid
It hurts, but I am happy for you
The light blinds me
I am finally at peace